From the perception of Nightengale.
He grasped my shoulder. It was in a friendly way, and he even tried making a fleeting attempt at a smile, but I pulled away quickly and walked to the wall. My thoughts were in a race; I was so... used to things now. I thought they would continue on like this forever.
"Sometimes people just have a... falling apart, Cecil. It just happens, and yes it's sad, but please - your mother will take care of you. We'll see each other still, but I just can't bear to be around her anymore."
I couldn't take this. I -loved- him, he taught me how to live, he gave me life. He nurtured me, loved me, and I could not imagine a life without him continuing to do these things. Such thoughts were horrible little spiders, and I swept them away with my pleading words.
"Please, please, just stay here - if not for our family, then just for me. Father, I want to see you all the time, I don't want you to be so far. Please, please..."
"Cecil, act your age. This is happening. The best thing to do is just... get over it."
The spiders once more claw at the edge of my brain, and my thoughts turned to much darker paths as I stormed out of our little shack. If there was a door, you can bet your ass I would have slammed it.
With a haste I hadn't intended for, my feet led me upwards onto a roof across from our residence. It was a very long, roundabout way up here, but I took the walk to clear my head. Now, I find myself up here, staring at the night, staring at the shadows cast by the stars and moon against the building. Everything was lit in a great contrast, for the moons battled quite completely for control of the sky. It was a beautiful night, and inhaling it's cold scent made me quite content. My thoughts no longer were touched by monstrous web-spinners, spinning their nets of darkness. I had turned to thinking about what I was going to do with my life. I would often fantasize at length when I sat up high. Most of my fantasies revolved around doing heroic deeds from the shadows. I would be a great assassin, striking out with the night covering me, but I would not murder in cold blood. I would destroy the evil, those that were not just or right...
Like my father, who's betraying me.
Like my cousin, going further and further away into more older and mature things.
Like my thoughts, which were turning darker by the moment.
I viciously shook my head, and took a deep breath of the night. At length, I pondered the stars, and what they meant. What they were. Jewels of the Divine? Or perhaps something else? There was an old woman, steeped in the lore of the Blessed Seven, who often spoke of them as mortals who pleased the Seven, and were ascended into their domain.
I never was much of one for such thoughts. However I tried, I simply did not want to get my head around heeding to something I could not feel, or see.
Father and I are walking around the outskirts, and he's pointing out the buildings of the city that we can see from here. The shrine, the hospital... it all looks so big. Yet, his gentle reassurance calms me in the face of it all, and I embrace him as we begin to travel home. On our way, we meet a stray dog with a limp. Father quickly moves to him, and picks him up. I watch, mystified, and we move on to our next door neighbor's house. Father hands the dog over to the old lady, who I've often thought a witch, and she takes it into a back room. We wait, and wait, and wait... and then she comes out, the dog following her. All better.
"A little good goes a long way..." my father said to me.
I am jarred awake. I must have been dozing quite completely, for by the way the moon is almost set, I reckon it's nearly time for morning. No sight of the sun can be seen though. I shake myself into further wakefulness and begin to scramble down the building; but I am halted by something. A sight. Below me, my father stands... entangled in the arms of an attractive, young woman. She has delicate curves; very pretty. I've never been much of a child to judge women, having much more fun simply playing seek and sneak with my friends, but this female was beautiful. However, something else made me wretch, her beauty did not stop me from hating her, nor did the carefree glimmer in her eyes which was lost in many women of the slums. At that moment, I wished she would die.
Because she was kissing my father.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Comfortably Numb
In the view of Nightengale
Like a rolling wave crashing onto the sea during a storm, I have been hit by a certain vessel of understanding. Only now have I torn myself away from my selfish plots to see this wave. Only now, in the presence of the Void, in the presence of a blissful NOTHING world have I been enlightened with a certain feeling of... well, nothingness.
A sort of pain is still there, but it is mental. I feel nothing more, and I am left here to plot. For that I am thankful. This is a plethora of nothingness, and it clears my head.
This is how it should be.
Like a rolling wave crashing onto the sea during a storm, I have been hit by a certain vessel of understanding. Only now have I torn myself away from my selfish plots to see this wave. Only now, in the presence of the Void, in the presence of a blissful NOTHING world have I been enlightened with a certain feeling of... well, nothingness.
A sort of pain is still there, but it is mental. I feel nothing more, and I am left here to plot. For that I am thankful. This is a plethora of nothingness, and it clears my head.
This is how it should be.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Unwaking.
From the perspective of Nightengale.
"This way, Cecil. I know of a new spot," he said to me, beckoning with a hand. He was so frantic when partaking in this game, and it embedded a likewise feeling of excitement in my own body, deep in my core. He ran through the alleyway and I followed, keeping close guard on my surroundings. During this time, it was always best to watch for the other hiders. It wasn't against the rules after all to give a hint to the searcher. We skirted near the out of bound mark, the garbage dump, and it was soon that he led me into another alleyway. I had stopped here before in my strolls around the slums; it was a peaceful place, though I never thought to come back here.
"Come on, up onto the roof. There's a perfect climb, straightforward, there," my cousin pointed at where a stone wall led up onto a wooden roof of a small, old home. Probably rented out as an apartment for a cheap cost, as so many homes were in the slums if they were large enough. We scrambled up, though I went with a bit of despairing fear. I had never been exposed to this high of a height before. It frightened, and excited me at the same time.
He didn't stop there. Across the roof he ran, onto another slightly lower one. He was heading for a small balcony at the border of the slums. The boundaries of our game encompassed this, though many players had asked for it to be cut off. However, the issue was never pursued, and we went within full limits of the boundaries. As we jumped onto the balcony, my cousin first, I vaguely remember thinking, 'They have pretty pottery...' before my foot landed on the railing. I had failed, and my other foot was sending me back into thin air with it's weight. I would have fallen were it not for my cousin. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to safety.
Later, we laughed at the situation (we had won that particular game of sneak and search). However, I had been embedded with more than a laugh from that experience. I was forever knowledgeable of how very awesome things looked from up high.
The pain has returned. The Eyes are upon me. The snake has bitten, and I will bite back twice as hard.
"This way, Cecil. I know of a new spot," he said to me, beckoning with a hand. He was so frantic when partaking in this game, and it embedded a likewise feeling of excitement in my own body, deep in my core. He ran through the alleyway and I followed, keeping close guard on my surroundings. During this time, it was always best to watch for the other hiders. It wasn't against the rules after all to give a hint to the searcher. We skirted near the out of bound mark, the garbage dump, and it was soon that he led me into another alleyway. I had stopped here before in my strolls around the slums; it was a peaceful place, though I never thought to come back here.
"Come on, up onto the roof. There's a perfect climb, straightforward, there," my cousin pointed at where a stone wall led up onto a wooden roof of a small, old home. Probably rented out as an apartment for a cheap cost, as so many homes were in the slums if they were large enough. We scrambled up, though I went with a bit of despairing fear. I had never been exposed to this high of a height before. It frightened, and excited me at the same time.
He didn't stop there. Across the roof he ran, onto another slightly lower one. He was heading for a small balcony at the border of the slums. The boundaries of our game encompassed this, though many players had asked for it to be cut off. However, the issue was never pursued, and we went within full limits of the boundaries. As we jumped onto the balcony, my cousin first, I vaguely remember thinking, 'They have pretty pottery...' before my foot landed on the railing. I had failed, and my other foot was sending me back into thin air with it's weight. I would have fallen were it not for my cousin. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to safety.
Later, we laughed at the situation (we had won that particular game of sneak and search). However, I had been embedded with more than a laugh from that experience. I was forever knowledgeable of how very awesome things looked from up high.
The pain has returned. The Eyes are upon me. The snake has bitten, and I will bite back twice as hard.
Shattered
From the perspective of Nightengale.
I have emerged from it, and now things are moving quite too fast for my liking. All around me, opportunities arise so that I can grasp them by their necks and twist them to my will. It's good, I find a sort of contentedness in it; yet they are going by so fast. The whole of the matter is that they slip out of my grasp before I even have time to snatch my fingers closed. Considerations take too long, and I do not trust my 'gut' as THEY call it. That's for fools and brawny fools. No, no, I must be decisive, not eager, passive, not overly aggressive. Every move I make, I must remain shadowed, for who's to say that if puny mortals can find me, the light cannot?
My silence is shattered, and I have but only time enough to pick up the few of the pieces before it's shattered again. I swept out my murderer's hand in anger, and it shall not happen again. That one served no purpose dead; her essence was hardly even suitable to me, let alone Father.
I need to grip onto the world with a much tighter claw, for I move far too much of it by extending a finger. It's hard to stay still though, when the Snakes invite you to their den. I've a feeling this will turn out for the worse, but I must reserve the judgment I make now for future reference. After all, I need -somebody- who can feel the Night.
I have emerged from it, and now things are moving quite too fast for my liking. All around me, opportunities arise so that I can grasp them by their necks and twist them to my will. It's good, I find a sort of contentedness in it; yet they are going by so fast. The whole of the matter is that they slip out of my grasp before I even have time to snatch my fingers closed. Considerations take too long, and I do not trust my 'gut' as THEY call it. That's for fools and brawny fools. No, no, I must be decisive, not eager, passive, not overly aggressive. Every move I make, I must remain shadowed, for who's to say that if puny mortals can find me, the light cannot?
My silence is shattered, and I have but only time enough to pick up the few of the pieces before it's shattered again. I swept out my murderer's hand in anger, and it shall not happen again. That one served no purpose dead; her essence was hardly even suitable to me, let alone Father.
I need to grip onto the world with a much tighter claw, for I move far too much of it by extending a finger. It's hard to stay still though, when the Snakes invite you to their den. I've a feeling this will turn out for the worse, but I must reserve the judgment I make now for future reference. After all, I need -somebody- who can feel the Night.
Indecision
From the perspective of Nightengale.
I am split in two by this mask. It is a necessary thing, for the secrets, the dark webs in which I can position myself by wearing it are invaluable; yet at the same time my immortal mind can hardly take such infuriatingly close encounters with all of them. It's... difficult. Perhaps this feeling will fade as I continue into my existence, or perhaps upon finding others - but sometimes I feel as if I -am- one of them. Other times I feel so overburdened with it that I just want to tear them apart and feast on their blood.
Patience, calm, patience.
"There is more to servitude in shadow than the Crimson Doorway can provide."
Those words ring about in my head, and still, I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something which goes against my very being. Every time I strum, every time I speak out in song, I remember how GOOD it felt to sait the hunger. Perhaps I have yet to shake off the urgings, the naggings. Perhaps my will is not as developed as I would have liked to think. Whatever the case, this cannot go on. I must strike a balance within my own being; I have plans, I have objectives to further the Black Grasp...
Loosing myself to the red haze once more is not in those plans... but neither is assimilating with the lessar beings. In any case, I find myself drawn towards a deep sort of... silence. Perhaps contemplation will help me bring my self control to a complete fruition.
I am split in two by this mask. It is a necessary thing, for the secrets, the dark webs in which I can position myself by wearing it are invaluable; yet at the same time my immortal mind can hardly take such infuriatingly close encounters with all of them. It's... difficult. Perhaps this feeling will fade as I continue into my existence, or perhaps upon finding others - but sometimes I feel as if I -am- one of them. Other times I feel so overburdened with it that I just want to tear them apart and feast on their blood.
Patience, calm, patience.
"There is more to servitude in shadow than the Crimson Doorway can provide."
Those words ring about in my head, and still, I can't shake the feeling that I'm doing something which goes against my very being. Every time I strum, every time I speak out in song, I remember how GOOD it felt to sait the hunger. Perhaps I have yet to shake off the urgings, the naggings. Perhaps my will is not as developed as I would have liked to think. Whatever the case, this cannot go on. I must strike a balance within my own being; I have plans, I have objectives to further the Black Grasp...
Loosing myself to the red haze once more is not in those plans... but neither is assimilating with the lessar beings. In any case, I find myself drawn towards a deep sort of... silence. Perhaps contemplation will help me bring my self control to a complete fruition.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Awaken #2
From the perspective of Nightengale.
"You WILL respect, you irratical welp."
"Come, Cecil, let's make dinner."
"Do you think of this as pain? Would you rather know the pain of a blessed pendant of the blasted 'Lord of Dragons'?"
"I'll kill you, I swear it. I'll kill you, kill you, kil..."
"Poor little boy. Dissatisfied with your offer now? Perhaps I'll simply go back and kill her."
"Master! Master! I have the knife you told me to get."
"Good, good... come here, boy. Engrave the letter upon your knife which the Darkness shall know you by."
"Cecil, son, you do it this way. You see, a circular motion. Make sure not to ask the noble for tips, either."
"You see, you betrayed her. Now, I'm going to kill you, and that whore too. You'll soak in her blood before the nights over... and I'll make use of yours for my Lord."
"The gate is sacred, boy... do not lose yourself in bloodlust, but do not try to stifle your desire, for it is a nescessity. We are His creatures, and he commands us."
"Yes Master... Master... Master..."
Agh! The pain! It's searing... it blisters every portion of my being. There's no escape; I cannot even move. The Eye of the Six are on me in this place, and their stares sear into me. Please, My Lord, save me. Save me from this suffering, save me, save me. Give me a reprieve, give me safety, give me existence, give me blissful darkness.
I do not deserve anything near to mercy, but soon... it comes. It cleans me. It washes over me, and I am imbued with new power, a body... and most importantly, my will.
And it wills me to take veangence, to torture those minds who think they can hide from the scars. My thoughts, however, linger upon what I told my friend before I left. I hope he spindles back to me soon with his eight legs, for before my time is done, I will need him.
"You WILL respect, you irratical welp."
"Come, Cecil, let's make dinner."
"Do you think of this as pain? Would you rather know the pain of a blessed pendant of the blasted 'Lord of Dragons'?"
"I'll kill you, I swear it. I'll kill you, kill you, kil..."
"Poor little boy. Dissatisfied with your offer now? Perhaps I'll simply go back and kill her."
"Master! Master! I have the knife you told me to get."
"Good, good... come here, boy. Engrave the letter upon your knife which the Darkness shall know you by."
"Cecil, son, you do it this way. You see, a circular motion. Make sure not to ask the noble for tips, either."
"You see, you betrayed her. Now, I'm going to kill you, and that whore too. You'll soak in her blood before the nights over... and I'll make use of yours for my Lord."
"The gate is sacred, boy... do not lose yourself in bloodlust, but do not try to stifle your desire, for it is a nescessity. We are His creatures, and he commands us."
"Yes Master... Master... Master..."
Agh! The pain! It's searing... it blisters every portion of my being. There's no escape; I cannot even move. The Eye of the Six are on me in this place, and their stares sear into me. Please, My Lord, save me. Save me from this suffering, save me, save me. Give me a reprieve, give me safety, give me existence, give me blissful darkness.
I do not deserve anything near to mercy, but soon... it comes. It cleans me. It washes over me, and I am imbued with new power, a body... and most importantly, my will.
And it wills me to take veangence, to torture those minds who think they can hide from the scars. My thoughts, however, linger upon what I told my friend before I left. I hope he spindles back to me soon with his eight legs, for before my time is done, I will need him.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Waken.
From the perspective of Nightengale
Ah! My thoughts, they are returning. My plots, my brain, my intellect! Shadows, shadows, all around - they mean something to me now. I can recognize them. The red haze has failed, and now I can offer much more than bloodshed. I've gorged myself completely and fully, and though the want is still there, I have reached the point where I can control it. I'm growing, and my willpower grows with me. It's hard to control myself sometimes still, yet I'm not actively killing all things in sight anymore. I am very thankful for that, and I offer my prayers to the shadows.
The shadows!
They have been waiting for me. Master has been waiting for me to arise with my subtleties in tact and serve him. I must, I must, and I will. I have served myself selfishly, and now I must arise to my responsibilities or be lost into insanity. I grasp it fully and completely, except there's one more thing which I must do before I can commit myself fully and completely to the Lord of Shadows...
Ah! My thoughts, they are returning. My plots, my brain, my intellect! Shadows, shadows, all around - they mean something to me now. I can recognize them. The red haze has failed, and now I can offer much more than bloodshed. I've gorged myself completely and fully, and though the want is still there, I have reached the point where I can control it. I'm growing, and my willpower grows with me. It's hard to control myself sometimes still, yet I'm not actively killing all things in sight anymore. I am very thankful for that, and I offer my prayers to the shadows.
The shadows!
They have been waiting for me. Master has been waiting for me to arise with my subtleties in tact and serve him. I must, I must, and I will. I have served myself selfishly, and now I must arise to my responsibilities or be lost into insanity. I grasp it fully and completely, except there's one more thing which I must do before I can commit myself fully and completely to the Lord of Shadows...
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Whoopsie.
All my love in life is for naught.
All my loves in life have nothing in me begot.
I am dead inside, and my eyes tell the tale,
Locked inside a mournful vale.
----
Melvina has denied me. My only other love besides her has nothing to do with me, for she has found another more... 'average' individual. Now, I want nothing more than nothing. Void, a pitch black void, is what I seek now. I've drownt myself in alchohal, and now wander the streets. My travels lead me upon a balcony, where I lean against and ponder my thoughts, and a way to escape them, forever.
Then, it hits me. Like lightning, like the speed of sound, the thought hits me. Death, death, and more death. It's upon this new percievance that I climb aboard the balcony railing... it's so high from up here, and yet I am not fearful. This is what I wish, with all my might, now. How could I live with so much sorrow and despair in my soul now? Women have filled me with darkness, and I've done nothing, nothing to them to seek the darkness out. I am but an unfortunate victim of temptation. Melvina tempted me... oh, she was, -is-, so beautiful... if I could but see her once more.
My foot falters. Perhaps suicide is not for me.
Yet fate has it no other way. After all, the railing was simplery with rain.
Whoops. Fallen.
All my loves in life have nothing in me begot.
I am dead inside, and my eyes tell the tale,
Locked inside a mournful vale.
----
Melvina has denied me. My only other love besides her has nothing to do with me, for she has found another more... 'average' individual. Now, I want nothing more than nothing. Void, a pitch black void, is what I seek now. I've drownt myself in alchohal, and now wander the streets. My travels lead me upon a balcony, where I lean against and ponder my thoughts, and a way to escape them, forever.
Then, it hits me. Like lightning, like the speed of sound, the thought hits me. Death, death, and more death. It's upon this new percievance that I climb aboard the balcony railing... it's so high from up here, and yet I am not fearful. This is what I wish, with all my might, now. How could I live with so much sorrow and despair in my soul now? Women have filled me with darkness, and I've done nothing, nothing to them to seek the darkness out. I am but an unfortunate victim of temptation. Melvina tempted me... oh, she was, -is-, so beautiful... if I could but see her once more.
My foot falters. Perhaps suicide is not for me.
Yet fate has it no other way. After all, the railing was simplery with rain.
Whoops. Fallen.
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